i was *that mom* in the grocery store and other parenting confessions

when love was nine months old, i asked for and received a parenting book for christmas. the book was parenting with love and logic by cline and fay. i had heard all about love and logic and had seen it in action when i lived with friends in college who used it with their preschooler. jeremy and i had looked over the book in the bookstore, and after receiving it for christmas, we read it aloud together. for the most part we loved the book and the method and were sure that this was the parenting philosophy for us. even though love wasn't even one yet, we were determined to do our research and become the best parents that we could be. after reading that book, we felt like we were set with the tools we would need for the future.

now i look back on those new parents we were and find it all quite humorous. how naive we were to think that one book would be the only tool we would need for our parenting future!

this summer has felt like a mile marker in our life as parents and we have hit some big bumps in our parenting journey.

...there have been evenings where we got the kids in bed and then collapsed on the couch and shed a few tears because the bedtime routine did not go smoothly and we cannot figure out how to make it better because nothing that we try seems to work.

...there was the time i had the kids at the grocery store and i was that mom. the one whose kid was hitting her and pinching her and announcing to all the other shoppers in a sing-song voice that "i'm being rude to mommy!". and there was after that, when i got in the car and quietly cried all the way to pick jeremy up from work because i realized i felt so embarrassed and discouraged.

...there were several different strategies attempted to get love to clean up her toys with us in the evening. it has been very, very frustrating and is still unsuccessful at this point.

...there have been car rides where both kids are screeching and i finally join in and start yelling because i just can't take it anymore (that reaction does not help the situation, by the way).

...days when i have thought that surely my kids would be better off in daycare because at least they wouldn't have to spend all day with their frustrated mom.

...times when i've looked at the stack of parenting books i would like to read and wondered how i'm going to possibly read them because i am so busy parenting that i can't even find time to read books about how to do a better job!

...moments when i have wanted to scream because i just want to meet one of my needs (like going to the bathroom!) before meeting another need of one of my children.

...there has been lots of me saying i am sorry. and even being prompted..."mommy, are you going to say sorry to me because you yelled at me?"

i have learned that parenting is a very humbling adventure. the pre-parent me had lots of ideas about what kind of parent i would or would not be, how my kids would behave, how i would discipline them, and how they would respond to my methods. i would see parents at the grocery store with kids who were misbehaving and know that my kids would not behave that way in public.

i also knew that my kids wouldn't watch tv, would never eat happy meals, would eat whatever was served for dinner rather than having a special meal just for them, and wouldn't care about disney princesses.

well...clearly our kids don't always behave so well at the grocery store. we don't have a tv, but our kids watch a select few shows on netflix (thomas the tank engine, curious george, veggie tales, shawn the sheep, and love sometimes watches one of the disney fairy movies, in case you were wondering). they also eat the occasional happy meal...there is a reason why people stop at fast food restaurants with playgrounds on road trips, especially in the winter! sometimes i do cook a special meal just for them because i know they won't like what we are eating, and love has disney princess underwear because those were the underwear she chose as motivation for potty training.

it is easy to judge and criticize other parents, but the reality is that we are all at our own spot in this adventure, and our kids are all different. that mom in the grocery store with the kid throwing the tantrum? maybe things had been going well and she has suddenly hit a rough patch with her child. maybe she has a huge stack of parenting books from the library sitting on her nightstand that she is desperately trying to read to find help. and after she leaves the grocery store? she might just go to her car, strap her kid in the car seat, put all her groceries in the trunk, and then sit in the driver's seat and cry because she is so discouraged.

it is easy to feel discouraged as parents. especially when we are really trying our very best and nothing seems to be working. the last couple of months have been a huge learning curve for me. some of the things i am learning are new and some are things i started learning on day one as a parent (but am still working on almost three-and-a-half years later).

i am learning...

...that i need to always be seeking wisdom (from more than just one book...although i actually learned that long ago). i checked out a ton of parenting books from the library. they all have their own opinions, and often contradict each other (that is frustrating). i am learning to pull the bits and pieces that work for us and leave the rest. i have also sought wisdom from our parents and friends, as well as prayed for parenting wisdom a. lot.

...that what works for us doesn't necessarily work for other people, and what works for other people doesn't necessarily work for us. parents and kids are all different, so it makes sense that different combinations of each would need different techniques and approaches to be successful together.

...that my frustration with love is actually more because i don't know how to handle the situation than actually being frustrated with her behavior. as i have found practical tools that work, i feel less frustrated because i know how to respond to the behavior.

...how to stay calm. the books all tell me that i need to stay calm and not lose my cool. that is a tough one for me, but i see so clearly that those books are right. having the right tools to deal with the behavior makes a huge difference here as well.

...learning about myself helps me become a better parent. i recently read a book (raising your spirited child by mary kurcinka) which confirmed that love is a spirited child and also that i am a spirited parent. this was helpful information as this explained a lot of the reasons why we seem to clash a lot and also brought my own temperament to my attention. (it was also interesting - and frightening - to see that love and i scored almost the same on the nine temperamental traits she uses to determine how spirited a person is. i guess she takes after her mom!).

...to take time out for myself. this has been a hard one to figure out in the midst of moving to a new place and also jeremy's busy schedule. currently this looks like jeremy getting up with the kids and bringing me coffee in bed (isn't he wonderful?) so i can have half an hour of devotions before starting the day. this has made a big difference in my life and attitude. i will also be taking a day-long retreat in a couple of weeks when jeremy is off of work.

...positive time together between parent and child is very, very important, as is one-on-one time.

...that parenting is the greatest exercise in teamwork that exists. there's nothing quite like raising little wild humans to force jeremy and i to work together.

mostly what i have learned is that parenting shifts and changes based on time and developmental stages. it is a constant learning exercise and a constant recognition of my humanity and dependence on God.

obviously, these thoughts are all just my reflections on where i'm currently at with this whole parenting adventure. but...i hope that this post encourages someone out there who is discouraged or struggling as a parent. you are not alone. (i will probably even have to go back to this post to encourage myself!)

if today was your day in the grocery store? well...we've all been there. just like us, you are doing your best.

if you think that someone else is doing a better job with their kids than you are doing with yours? you and your children are unique and you are the best parent for your kids.

if you lost it and yelled at your child today? apologize and move on. you are a human and sometimes that happens. children are quick to forgive, they know you love them, and they still love you.

above our kitchen sink, i put the following verse (we also sang the song of this verse every evening after supper when i was growing up):
"the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (lamentations 3:22 - 23)

when i am making breakfast in the morning, it reminds me that God's mercies are new for me that day. i am given a fresh start. it encourages me to make the day a good one.

when i am cleaning up after the kids are in bed, i reflect on the day. usually, there are moments that i was short with the kids, i lost my cool, or i am disappointed in myself as a parent. that verse reminds me that i am loved despite my failures, that there are endless mercies to my seemingly endless failures, and that tomorrow is a new day with a fresh start.

that fresh start is there for all of us. there is hope for all of us. God will provide us with wisdom, he is present and working in our lives, and he wants us to be successful as parents.

i am so thankful for these two precious little humans who God has entrusted into our care. they are teaching me so much, and even though it is challenging, i am so thankful that i get to be their mama.

{and a special note about love...she is an amazing little girl. yes, challenging to discipline. but that is because she is so bright, energetic, and smart. she is witty, creative, friendly, funny, and very sweet and affectionate. she is a special little girl who is going to become a wonderful adult. i wouldn't trade her for anyone else!}

getaway in may

it was so wonderful to escape to ludington, mi for a few days in may. we left on monday, came back on wednesday, and enjoyed our free hotel stay, thanks to airmiles. they even upgraded us to the whirlpool suite for free!

we picnicked and hiked in the state park, played board games, watched movies, enjoyed uninterrupted dinners out, went to a couple thrift shops, and slept in until 7:30 (that's sleeping in for us these days!). both mornings, jeremy brought me coffee and breakfast in bed. what a treat.

it was so good to have time away with just the two of us. (and so nice that my mom and sister watched the kids for us!)

ludington state park... our favorite michigan destination. we've made lots of good memories here over the years!

five years...better and better.

it's our fifth anniversary today.

i have such clear memories of our wedding day, and our dreams for our future. on that day, i imagined where we would be five, ten, thirty years into our marriage. now, here we are, five years in. things look so incredibly different than my dreams on that day five years ago.

i didn't picture some of the challenges we would face as we established a home together, the difficult days in the transition of becoming husband and wife, or the pain we could cause each other in our selfishness and anger.  i didn't look ahead and see that sometimes it would feel like too much...that we would want to give up on the covenant we made with God and each other.

i certainly didn't imagine that two of the dearest people at our wedding that day - my dad, and jeremy's mom - would have gone to be with Jesus. i didn't imagine the depths of grief that we have gone through separately and together...the day i kicked in all of the lower cupboard doors in our kitchen shortly after my dad passed away, the hole jeremy punched in his dad's garage after his mom died, some of the screaming fights we had when we forgot we were really on the same side because we were both blinded by the excruciating pain of grief.

i didn't picture us feeling forsaken, lost, depressed or lonely.

i didn't imagine the struggles jeremy would face in his pursuit of a career. i didn't imagine that we would still be on the educational track five years later. i never imagined jeremy working at a gas station, or more recently, a cabelas store. i didn't imagine him losing a job in an unfair/unjust way. i didn't look ahead and see all the tears and anxiety we would encounter as we searched for our purpose and place in this world.

the reality is...those things all happened. we have been through all of that and our marriage has faced some very difficult days and seasons.

and yet, there are other things that i never dreamed as well...

i didn't picture all the beauty that could come out of the challenges in our marriage. by God's grace, those times when we have wanted to give up on our marriage have become refining moments where we look our sinful selves in the face and realize how badly we need the grace of God in our lives.

i never imagined the closeness we would find in the grief we share for our parents, or the nights we would lay in bed weeping together. the day i kicked in all the kitchen cupboards...jeremy took me in his arms and held me while i cried, because he knew. and when he punched a hole in his dad's garage...i did the same for him, because i knew. and those screaming fights we had often eventually ended with both of us in tears, on the same side, aching together for the people we lost.

i didn't picture that we would find so much comfort in just having each other during lonely times, or that we would find community in sometimes seemingly strange places. i didn't picture jeremy willingly and cheerfully going to a job he wasn't excited about just so he could provide for our family. i didn't realize how proud of him i would be and how happy i would feel when he found a job that was a great fit.

i never, ever pictured us moving to south carolina.

i didn't picture times when we would look at our bank account and wonder how in the world we were going to make it...and then we would literally see God provide for our needs in surprising ways.

i certainly didn't picture these two little kiddos we have brought into the world. what amazing little combinations of the two of us. and parenting together is a whole other experience.

so...here we are, five years later. the honeymoon is long gone. we have been living real, raw life for quite a while now. this is what it's all about...the day in, day out, life together, committed through the good and the bad, the better, and the worse. we've been tested, and we still have lots to learn, but we are in a good spot.

it's been five years, and our love is deeper, truer, and more real. the honeymoon might be over, but i can still catch jeremy's eye across a busy hospital cafeteria and get butterflies in my stomach when he winks at me. and now, five years later, behind the wink and the butterflies, is love that has been strengthened and deepened. i wouldn't trade that for the honeymoon any day.

this marriage thing? it is so, incredibly difficult, and yet, so beautiful, wonderful, and amazing all at the same time. it is such a gift from God...a way to be refined and made more like him while loving and being deeply loved by someone who represents his love for us.

it gets better every year. it really does, and i am excited for our future. i hope we have at least fifty-five more years together...but even that wouldn't be enough. jeremy, i love you with all my heart.

day trip turned overnighter

it all started two days ago, on friday. it was supposed to be a day trip to the east side of the state with two goals: to get a much-needed crib for jobot at ikea, and then to visit our dear friends bekah and ryan in ann arbor.

we got out of the house in record time and hit the road, planning to be at ikea by lunch time. two hours in and jobot was sleeping and love was accidentally buying things on the iphone. oops. glad she only spent $1.96, though we didn't really want those digital coloring pages. we changed the settings on the phone so that can't happen again. we were cruising right along...until we weren't. the van stopped shifting gears and the rpms were getting higher and higher. (as a side note, i have always been worried about the transmission in this van even though two mechanics looked at it and said it was just fine. any time the van makes a weird noise, i say something about the transmission, which jeremy - understandably - finds irritating).

so the rpms were getting higher and higher and we were waiting for the van to gear down, which it wasn't doing. so, i said, "jeremy, this is not right. something is wrong with this, this is not what the car is supposed to be doing" and jeremy says, "don't go off on this tangent about the transmission again. we're just going up a hill" (may i add, it was slight incline in the road...not classified as a hill). cue smoke to start pouring out of from under the hood and also pouring into the van through the air vents. it smelled bad. something was really not right.

it was providential that in the minute that all of that happened, we came upon a rest stop and pulled into a parking spot. more smoke pouring out. someone pulled into the space next to us and asked if they could help us. it turned out that they knew about cars. they said it was the transmission...there was no transmission fluid. could just be that a seal broke and all the fluid drained out, or it could be worse.

thank goodness we were at a rest stop with bathrooms. anyway, we called a tow truck with aaa (knew there was a reason we pay for that every year!). they could tow us within a five mile radius for free, so we agreed to just tow it to the town that was (thankfully) only two miles away. the problem was that they didn't have a tow truck that could fit all of us. we called around town for a rental car. all we could find was a car that was available in an hour-and-a-half. so, the plan was that we would unload the van, the kids and i would wait at the rest area while jeremy eventually came back to pick us up with the rental car. it wasn't ideal considering it was 45 degrees outside and there was nowhere to sit inside the rest area...but that was our only option.

amazingly, at that moment, someone pulled into the parking space next to us. it was an older couple. the woman came over to our window and asked if we were having trouble. we explained the situation and she was very nice. then the tow truck came so we unloaded the van and up onto the two truck it went. the woman was still walking around and kindly offered to drive the kids and i to the rental car place! so, we loaded up the car seats and soon the kids and i were being dropped off there (the woman even gave me a big hug goodbye) and jeremy was at the mechanic. conveniently, there was a bucket of candy inside the office, so love enjoyed her first tootsie pop while i did paperwork. the rental car arrived earlier than anticipated and we headed off to the mechanic to pick up jeremy. we decided to just continue on with our day and wait to hear about the van. by this time, it was early afternoon and we were hungry so we stopped for lunch. as we were about to leave the parking lot after lunch, we got the call from the mechanic.

it was the worst case scenario...our transmission was shot. the quote to fix it: $2800. i kinda felt like i wanted to throw up. we started driving. we couldn't decide what to do. we ended up sitting in a parking lot and both kids were screaming in the back seat. then love decided she had to poop...it was crazy. we called our mechanic and asked for his advice. we decided to have the van towed home and fixed here. but we decided not to do anything until monday and try to enjoy the rest of the day.

so we headed to ikea. it wasn't a leisurely trip, but we fulfilled one of our goals - we got the crib. our wonderful friends in ann arbor offered to let us stay at their house overnight, and we thought that was best considering everything. after a quick stop to pick up a few toiletries, we headed to their house. shortly after we walked in the door, jeremy had a beer and i had a much-needed glass of wine in hand (thanks guys!). we enjoyed a relaxing evening of conversation, pizza, kid craziness, and staying up later than usual. it was such fun and we are so thankful for their friendship and their hospitality. after a rough night of sleep thanks to our children (i have officially self-diagnosed love with a made-up sleep disorder called "unfamiliar surroundings weird-somnia"), we enjoyed a bit more time with friends and headed out to make it home in time to drop off the rental car by noon. the trip back was less eventful than the way there, jeremy shared his starbucks gift card with me and bought me a chai and we had good conversation as we drove along. oh, and love didn't buy anything else, so that was a bonus as well.

what a saga. but, you know what? the weird thing is...these days weren't horrible. we were encouraged because we didn't have a huge fight, which certainly would have happened at past times in our marriage (we must actually be learning something!). we enjoyed being together, and we were amazed at the ways we saw God taking care of us and providing for us amidst the craziness. we thanked him all throughout the days. we enjoyed visiting with friends, jobot now has a crib, and we made it home safe and sound, thankful it was only a transmission and not a car accident or serious health problem.

four years

four years ago jeremy and i married each other. it was a joyous day...funny that the weather was very similar to this anniversary day four years later...some sun and some rain.

since that day, we have gone through a lot of life together. two of our parents have gone to be with jesus. we had two precious babies and have begun the adventure of parenting these two little ones together. we have lived in michigan and temporarily in california. we have gone through potential moves to other states and still find ourselves living in michigan. jeremy has graduated from seminary twice. i left my nursing job and began working as a full time mom. we have lost friendships and made new ones. we have been part of five different churches. we have experienced frustrations, joys, struggles, excitement...and life goes on.

i am so thankful to go through this life with jeremy as my husband. he is the person i most love spending time with, the one who understands me best, and the one who makes me laugh more than anyone. he also willingly does all of our laundry, washes most of our dishes, takes out the garbage, and is usually the one to do the vacuuming around here. he is also usually the one who initiates a resolution after we have a disagreement and he patiently puts up with my slowness to forgive. he is a wonderful daddy and brings so much fun and play into our home (i'll be honest...this mama is just not as fun as he is!).

jeremy so often shows me he loves me. yesterday was a perfect example of a creative thing he did that made me feel so loved and appreciated. he had a 7:15 am meeting and i was anxious about getting both kids up and fed on my own. i came downstairs to post-it notes scattered all over the house...

...on the way downstairs, "my grace, thanks for your hard work with the kids. i tried to make it a bit easier. just follow my notes. i'll be home soon. i love you!"

...on the kitchen counter next to two spoons and two bowls of cereal he prepared, "just pour the milk and eat! you're doing great!"

...in the fridge by a sippy cup he prepared for our girl, "juice for her! keep breathing!"

...on the kitchen counter next to a pot full of coffee he made and a mug he got out for me, "COFFEE!!! pour and be woken by my love and appreciation for you."

...next to the dirty dishes by the sink, "i'll do these dishes later! deep breaths...love you"

...a note stuck to the bathroom mirror, "you may not feel it, but you look good!"

...and even a note for our girl, "good morning sweetie! daddy will be home soon. i love you!"

such a practical, thoughtful, and supportive expression of his appreciation for me. and seriously...every little thing that is done in advance makes things easier when carrying a baby in one arm! i appreciate that jeremy takes the time to do these little (but big!) things to show me he loves me. really, i couldn't ask for more.

i'm so thankful for four years and look forward to many more!