i was *that mom* in the grocery store and other parenting confessions

when love was nine months old, i asked for and received a parenting book for christmas. the book was parenting with love and logic by cline and fay. i had heard all about love and logic and had seen it in action when i lived with friends in college who used it with their preschooler. jeremy and i had looked over the book in the bookstore, and after receiving it for christmas, we read it aloud together. for the most part we loved the book and the method and were sure that this was the parenting philosophy for us. even though love wasn't even one yet, we were determined to do our research and become the best parents that we could be. after reading that book, we felt like we were set with the tools we would need for the future.

now i look back on those new parents we were and find it all quite humorous. how naive we were to think that one book would be the only tool we would need for our parenting future!

this summer has felt like a mile marker in our life as parents and we have hit some big bumps in our parenting journey.

...there have been evenings where we got the kids in bed and then collapsed on the couch and shed a few tears because the bedtime routine did not go smoothly and we cannot figure out how to make it better because nothing that we try seems to work.

...there was the time i had the kids at the grocery store and i was that mom. the one whose kid was hitting her and pinching her and announcing to all the other shoppers in a sing-song voice that "i'm being rude to mommy!". and there was after that, when i got in the car and quietly cried all the way to pick jeremy up from work because i realized i felt so embarrassed and discouraged.

...there were several different strategies attempted to get love to clean up her toys with us in the evening. it has been very, very frustrating and is still unsuccessful at this point.

...there have been car rides where both kids are screeching and i finally join in and start yelling because i just can't take it anymore (that reaction does not help the situation, by the way).

...days when i have thought that surely my kids would be better off in daycare because at least they wouldn't have to spend all day with their frustrated mom.

...times when i've looked at the stack of parenting books i would like to read and wondered how i'm going to possibly read them because i am so busy parenting that i can't even find time to read books about how to do a better job!

...moments when i have wanted to scream because i just want to meet one of my needs (like going to the bathroom!) before meeting another need of one of my children.

...there has been lots of me saying i am sorry. and even being prompted..."mommy, are you going to say sorry to me because you yelled at me?"

i have learned that parenting is a very humbling adventure. the pre-parent me had lots of ideas about what kind of parent i would or would not be, how my kids would behave, how i would discipline them, and how they would respond to my methods. i would see parents at the grocery store with kids who were misbehaving and know that my kids would not behave that way in public.

i also knew that my kids wouldn't watch tv, would never eat happy meals, would eat whatever was served for dinner rather than having a special meal just for them, and wouldn't care about disney princesses.

well...clearly our kids don't always behave so well at the grocery store. we don't have a tv, but our kids watch a select few shows on netflix (thomas the tank engine, curious george, veggie tales, shawn the sheep, and love sometimes watches one of the disney fairy movies, in case you were wondering). they also eat the occasional happy meal...there is a reason why people stop at fast food restaurants with playgrounds on road trips, especially in the winter! sometimes i do cook a special meal just for them because i know they won't like what we are eating, and love has disney princess underwear because those were the underwear she chose as motivation for potty training.

it is easy to judge and criticize other parents, but the reality is that we are all at our own spot in this adventure, and our kids are all different. that mom in the grocery store with the kid throwing the tantrum? maybe things had been going well and she has suddenly hit a rough patch with her child. maybe she has a huge stack of parenting books from the library sitting on her nightstand that she is desperately trying to read to find help. and after she leaves the grocery store? she might just go to her car, strap her kid in the car seat, put all her groceries in the trunk, and then sit in the driver's seat and cry because she is so discouraged.

it is easy to feel discouraged as parents. especially when we are really trying our very best and nothing seems to be working. the last couple of months have been a huge learning curve for me. some of the things i am learning are new and some are things i started learning on day one as a parent (but am still working on almost three-and-a-half years later).

i am learning...

...that i need to always be seeking wisdom (from more than just one book...although i actually learned that long ago). i checked out a ton of parenting books from the library. they all have their own opinions, and often contradict each other (that is frustrating). i am learning to pull the bits and pieces that work for us and leave the rest. i have also sought wisdom from our parents and friends, as well as prayed for parenting wisdom a. lot.

...that what works for us doesn't necessarily work for other people, and what works for other people doesn't necessarily work for us. parents and kids are all different, so it makes sense that different combinations of each would need different techniques and approaches to be successful together.

...that my frustration with love is actually more because i don't know how to handle the situation than actually being frustrated with her behavior. as i have found practical tools that work, i feel less frustrated because i know how to respond to the behavior.

...how to stay calm. the books all tell me that i need to stay calm and not lose my cool. that is a tough one for me, but i see so clearly that those books are right. having the right tools to deal with the behavior makes a huge difference here as well.

...learning about myself helps me become a better parent. i recently read a book (raising your spirited child by mary kurcinka) which confirmed that love is a spirited child and also that i am a spirited parent. this was helpful information as this explained a lot of the reasons why we seem to clash a lot and also brought my own temperament to my attention. (it was also interesting - and frightening - to see that love and i scored almost the same on the nine temperamental traits she uses to determine how spirited a person is. i guess she takes after her mom!).

...to take time out for myself. this has been a hard one to figure out in the midst of moving to a new place and also jeremy's busy schedule. currently this looks like jeremy getting up with the kids and bringing me coffee in bed (isn't he wonderful?) so i can have half an hour of devotions before starting the day. this has made a big difference in my life and attitude. i will also be taking a day-long retreat in a couple of weeks when jeremy is off of work.

...positive time together between parent and child is very, very important, as is one-on-one time.

...that parenting is the greatest exercise in teamwork that exists. there's nothing quite like raising little wild humans to force jeremy and i to work together.

mostly what i have learned is that parenting shifts and changes based on time and developmental stages. it is a constant learning exercise and a constant recognition of my humanity and dependence on God.

obviously, these thoughts are all just my reflections on where i'm currently at with this whole parenting adventure. but...i hope that this post encourages someone out there who is discouraged or struggling as a parent. you are not alone. (i will probably even have to go back to this post to encourage myself!)

if today was your day in the grocery store? well...we've all been there. just like us, you are doing your best.

if you think that someone else is doing a better job with their kids than you are doing with yours? you and your children are unique and you are the best parent for your kids.

if you lost it and yelled at your child today? apologize and move on. you are a human and sometimes that happens. children are quick to forgive, they know you love them, and they still love you.

above our kitchen sink, i put the following verse (we also sang the song of this verse every evening after supper when i was growing up):
"the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (lamentations 3:22 - 23)

when i am making breakfast in the morning, it reminds me that God's mercies are new for me that day. i am given a fresh start. it encourages me to make the day a good one.

when i am cleaning up after the kids are in bed, i reflect on the day. usually, there are moments that i was short with the kids, i lost my cool, or i am disappointed in myself as a parent. that verse reminds me that i am loved despite my failures, that there are endless mercies to my seemingly endless failures, and that tomorrow is a new day with a fresh start.

that fresh start is there for all of us. there is hope for all of us. God will provide us with wisdom, he is present and working in our lives, and he wants us to be successful as parents.

i am so thankful for these two precious little humans who God has entrusted into our care. they are teaching me so much, and even though it is challenging, i am so thankful that i get to be their mama.

{and a special note about love...she is an amazing little girl. yes, challenging to discipline. but that is because she is so bright, energetic, and smart. she is witty, creative, friendly, funny, and very sweet and affectionate. she is a special little girl who is going to become a wonderful adult. i wouldn't trade her for anyone else!}

these days

we've hit the mid-morning lull at our house. well...as much as things ever get to be a lull around here. the kids are deep in play (for the moment, anyway) and i am sitting down and catching my breath. last night's dishes have been put away, the breakfast dishes have been washed, today's batch of formula has been made, both kids are dressed, we've played with playdough, and played several rounds of go fish and hi ho cherry o. i've fixed love's lego "wall of jericho" more times than i can count (apparently it's not quite as strong as the real thing was), and i'm ready to sit down and have a little break. 

jeremy has been working full time plus plowing snow, so we've had some long days around here with him gone. i haven't been having the greatest patience with parenting lately, but i've really been trying. getting asked the same thing over and over and over and over again really starts to wear on me. the constant demands from little people and the lack of time to do things that i want to be doing are hard. it's hard to sacrifice so much. the other morning i woke up in a really crabby mood. jeremy had been out plowing all night and stopped by the house for five minutes before he quickly left for a full day of work (what a wonderful guy, right?!). despite me being crabby, he was very patient, loving, and encouraging (as he almost always is). after he left, i had my first cup of coffee and gave myself an attitude pep talk. things looked up after that. it was more the coffee than my pep talk...amazing how much a little coffee can do. the rest of the day wasn't perfect, but it was ok.

i have found some time to do things that i want to do, and i've been making some really good things lately.

i made a batch of this granola (without the protein powder). in a bowl with greek yogurt and sliced strawberries it was a yummy, healthy, and easy weekday breakfast. we ate the whole batch, so tomorrow i plan to make some more.

we were getting a snowstorm the other day, and that always puts me in a baking mood...so i made a batch of these cupcakes (didn't use the xantham gum, or the protein powder - just added a bit more almond flour and some vanilla extract). they have been on my "things i want to make" list for a while. they are so, so, so good! i think they might actually be the most delicious cupcakes i have ever had in my whole life. 

i also knit a pair of slippers! i can't believe it...i've never been a knitter. i have knit a couple of scarfs, but always with a lot of frustration. i just never found knitting to be enjoyable and had given up on ever knitting anything else. then...i was inspired to try a pair of slippers. i pulled out some yarn i had from some other project that i couldn't do, found a really good tutorial online, and went to work. it was an easy, quick project that i found really enjoyable, relaxing, and satisfying. i was so inspired by the fact that i actually did it. i've already started another pair.

 

love has been playing with trains lately. a lot. we set up the train tracks...and then spend the rest of the day crying, consoling, and fixing when little brother grabs the layout and destroys it. (or sometimes i just say no to setting up the tracks because i don't feel like going through all of that everyday!). 

love turns three in a little over two weeks. three!?!?! how did this happen? she is definitely acting like a three year old...there is lots (and i mean lots!) of drama in our house, demands for things she wants, occasional tantrums, and opinions about things. some days are very, very challenging (and each day certainly has it's challenging moments at the least). at the same time...jeremy and i were talking last night about what a good big sister she is, how smart she is, and how she is really starting to come into her own little person. we love her so much..."terrible" threes or not! 

i recently came across a poem that i wrote down and posted in our house so i see it everyday. it reminded me so much of this stage of life with her and i found it encouraging. it's titled, "our lady of perpetual demand" by emma walton hamilton.

"i want, i want, i want! 

you say,

when can i have it? when?

another day it's

no! i won't! and no, no, NO! again.

i sigh. 

i ask for manners.

counter, "i don't want to hear it!"

but in my heart i celebrate

your dazzling strength of spirit."

a couple of weeks ago i got out our rice bin for love to play with. it was a cold, winter day and we were all feeling a little stir crazy! i gave her strict instructions to keep the rice in the bin...left the room for less than five minutes...and came back to find that the dump truck had removed almost all of the rice from the bin and dumped it in another part of the kitchen. of course, i couldn't get mad...that's just something that a kid would do. anyway, it was easy to clean up.

and then there's this kid...he is 9 months old already!

last week, he started pulling himself up to a stand. this week he is cruising all around the furniture and pulling himself up on everything! he is so proud of himself, and we are so proud of him too! unfortunately, this has resulted in a lot of falls, which is just what happens when someone is learning how to stand up, but still no fun. he is getting his third and fourth tooth this week as well (the top, front teeth). he's been handling these two teeth coming in pretty well...better than the bottom two.

last week, jeremy taught him "so big!" he holds up his hands when we ask him how big he is and we say, "so big!" he is so proud that he can do it. it's so cute. i remember love doing the same thing. this age is so much fun with him.

and one last photo from a recent expedition out into the snow. perhaps jobot is crying because he is wearing pink? or maybe because he is wearing my mittens on his feet because we don't have boots in his size? or maybe because he is so bundled up that he can't sit up? seriously...there could be many reasons. oh, the things we do just to get a little fresh (cold!) air in the winter in michigan. poor kid. good thing he won't remember it.

p.s. that mid-morning lull i wrote about at the beginning of this post? yeah...it lasted less than ten minutes. a naptime initiated, a train track built, and a gazillion interruptions later, and i am ready to publish this post. such is this life.