five years...better and better.

it's our fifth anniversary today.

i have such clear memories of our wedding day, and our dreams for our future. on that day, i imagined where we would be five, ten, thirty years into our marriage. now, here we are, five years in. things look so incredibly different than my dreams on that day five years ago.

i didn't picture some of the challenges we would face as we established a home together, the difficult days in the transition of becoming husband and wife, or the pain we could cause each other in our selfishness and anger.  i didn't look ahead and see that sometimes it would feel like too much...that we would want to give up on the covenant we made with God and each other.

i certainly didn't imagine that two of the dearest people at our wedding that day - my dad, and jeremy's mom - would have gone to be with Jesus. i didn't imagine the depths of grief that we have gone through separately and together...the day i kicked in all of the lower cupboard doors in our kitchen shortly after my dad passed away, the hole jeremy punched in his dad's garage after his mom died, some of the screaming fights we had when we forgot we were really on the same side because we were both blinded by the excruciating pain of grief.

i didn't picture us feeling forsaken, lost, depressed or lonely.

i didn't imagine the struggles jeremy would face in his pursuit of a career. i didn't imagine that we would still be on the educational track five years later. i never imagined jeremy working at a gas station, or more recently, a cabelas store. i didn't imagine him losing a job in an unfair/unjust way. i didn't look ahead and see all the tears and anxiety we would encounter as we searched for our purpose and place in this world.

the reality is...those things all happened. we have been through all of that and our marriage has faced some very difficult days and seasons.

and yet, there are other things that i never dreamed as well...

i didn't picture all the beauty that could come out of the challenges in our marriage. by God's grace, those times when we have wanted to give up on our marriage have become refining moments where we look our sinful selves in the face and realize how badly we need the grace of God in our lives.

i never imagined the closeness we would find in the grief we share for our parents, or the nights we would lay in bed weeping together. the day i kicked in all the kitchen cupboards...jeremy took me in his arms and held me while i cried, because he knew. and when he punched a hole in his dad's garage...i did the same for him, because i knew. and those screaming fights we had often eventually ended with both of us in tears, on the same side, aching together for the people we lost.

i didn't picture that we would find so much comfort in just having each other during lonely times, or that we would find community in sometimes seemingly strange places. i didn't picture jeremy willingly and cheerfully going to a job he wasn't excited about just so he could provide for our family. i didn't realize how proud of him i would be and how happy i would feel when he found a job that was a great fit.

i never, ever pictured us moving to south carolina.

i didn't picture times when we would look at our bank account and wonder how in the world we were going to make it...and then we would literally see God provide for our needs in surprising ways.

i certainly didn't picture these two little kiddos we have brought into the world. what amazing little combinations of the two of us. and parenting together is a whole other experience.

so...here we are, five years later. the honeymoon is long gone. we have been living real, raw life for quite a while now. this is what it's all about...the day in, day out, life together, committed through the good and the bad, the better, and the worse. we've been tested, and we still have lots to learn, but we are in a good spot.

it's been five years, and our love is deeper, truer, and more real. the honeymoon might be over, but i can still catch jeremy's eye across a busy hospital cafeteria and get butterflies in my stomach when he winks at me. and now, five years later, behind the wink and the butterflies, is love that has been strengthened and deepened. i wouldn't trade that for the honeymoon any day.

this marriage thing? it is so, incredibly difficult, and yet, so beautiful, wonderful, and amazing all at the same time. it is such a gift from God...a way to be refined and made more like him while loving and being deeply loved by someone who represents his love for us.

it gets better every year. it really does, and i am excited for our future. i hope we have at least fifty-five more years together...but even that wouldn't be enough. jeremy, i love you with all my heart.