the kids and i stayed home from church this morning. baby nursed while we read books, and our girl played with her trains. there were quite a few moments of testing me, which culminated in our girl turning into a limp noodle when it was time for her to sit on the potty. those are the kind of moments which frustrate me the most. in retrospect, i realize that my frustration in those moments is more because i don't know how to deal with her behavior than it actually is with the way she is acting. those moments seem to be happening quite often these days. this parenting thing...it's a constant struggle to maintain patience, balance my love for her with the need to discipline, and be creative in the way i respond to her defiance. and defiance there is...in fact, the other day at the bookstore, jeremy stayed with the kids by the train table while i left to seek out some parenting books. i returned with a stack of five, among them, "parenting the strong willed child", "discipline with love and logic for toddlers through age 6", "the strong willed child", and a couple other books i have forgotten the titles of. we must have looked rather desperate, sitting there looking through them as our two-year-old played. the thing is...we often feel desperate! desperate for someone to hand us the manual to raising this girl, and desperate for someone to hand us the extra dose of patience, love, and creativity we need.
some days i feel like i am doing great and the extra patience, love, and creativity are brimming over throughout the day. other days i feel like i am at the end of my rope and find myself barking "no" and sighing more than i want or need to. most days are a mix of both.
take the other morning for example. i was eager to get out of the house for a bit and the patience, love, and creativity were brimming over. i decided to take the kids to the craft store. i pictured baby sleeping in his car seat in the back of the shopping cart and big sister sitting in the shopping cart seat while i strolled through the store. i thought that my girl and i would chatter about what we saw, and we would eventually settle on some little crafty item to purchase and work on together after we got home. in reality...baby was screaming as we loaded up the car and headed out. he had recently eaten and i thought he would fall asleep on the way there. he didn't. we got to the store and i loaded the kids in the shopping cart. the shopping carts at this particular store are tiny and although both kids fit, big sister was getting pretty mad that brother's car seat handle was right behind her head. she would bang her head on it and whimper every once in a while, just to dramatically show me that she was not happy with this arrangement. baby lasted in his car seat for about three minutes before he started crying. i took him out of his seat and started picturing myself holding him in one arm while i pushed the cart with the other. i thought, "this could still work". what i didn't picture was how we would end up...baby screaming inconsolably (apparently still hungry), and me standing in the middle of the store digging into the diaper bag to get out a bottle and then trying to feed him while our girl attempted to hit me, grabbed things off all the nearby shelves, and started yelling. all that extra patience and creativity were gone (there was still some love...but it was hard to find at that moment!) and i almost burst into tears myself right there in the middle of the store.
there certainly are many moments of beauty in this life of ours, and along with this strong will of our daughter comes a bright, affectionate girl who freely says, "i like you mommy" and is often a pleasure to spend time with. sometimes in the midst of the challenges, those moments seem pretty far away. i have found myself praying more frequently these days...mostly for help and wisdom as i deal with a toddler. but there are also prayers of gratitude and thanksgiving for the beauty of these two little ones in our life and the privilege of being their mommy. these days are going so quickly and i can see and feel their little bodies getting bigger. so...i try to take extra notice of the way baby clasps my shirt when he nurses, the little dimples in his knuckles, the way he breathes as he snuggles. and our girl...her little curly hair, her giggles, how she reaches up to hold my hand when we walk outside, and the way she sits next to me when we read a book.
this afternoon, i got time out to myself, for the first time since baby was born. ahh...it was wonderful. i snuck out between feedings and went to the local bookstore where i slowly enjoyed lunch while reading a good book. i sat there reading long after my lunch was gone, savoring the time away from home. when it was time to go, i felt refreshed and ready to head home. i was reminded how that time away is so important for me to gain perspective and have some time to myself. jeremy is very good at encouraging me to have that time to myself and offering to give me the opportunity to go out. when i thank him for giving me that time, he always thanks me for taking him up on the offer and going out. what a guy! (i think he knows from experience that everything goes a bit better around here if mama gets some time out every so often). the good news is that i'm only halfway done with the book, so i have an excuse to get out again soon.
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