when love was nine months old, i asked for and received a parenting book for christmas. the book was
parenting with love and logic by cline and fay. i had heard all about love and logic and had seen it in action when i lived with friends in college who used it with their preschooler. jeremy and i had looked over the book in the bookstore, and after receiving it for christmas, we read it aloud together. for the most part we loved the book and the method and were sure that this was the parenting philosophy for us. even though love wasn't even one yet, we were determined to do our research and become the best parents that we could be. after reading that book, we felt like we were set with the tools we would need for the future.
now i look back on those new parents we were and find it all quite humorous. how naive we were to think that one book would be the only tool we would need for our parenting future!
this summer has felt like a mile marker in our life as parents and we have hit some big bumps in our parenting journey.
...there have been evenings where we got the kids in bed and then collapsed on the couch and shed a few tears because the bedtime routine did not go smoothly and we cannot figure out how to make it better because nothing that we try seems to work.
...there was the time i had the kids at the grocery store and i was
that mom. the one whose kid was hitting her and pinching her and announcing to all the other shoppers in a sing-song voice that "i'm being rude to mommy!". and there was after that, when i got in the car and quietly cried all the way to pick jeremy up from work because i realized i felt so embarrassed and discouraged.
...there were several different strategies attempted to get love to clean up her toys with us in the evening. it has been very, very frustrating and is still unsuccessful at this point.
...there have been car rides where both kids are screeching and i finally join in and start yelling because i just can't take it anymore (that reaction does not help the situation, by the way).
...days when i have thought that surely my kids would be better off in daycare because at least they wouldn't have to spend all day with their frustrated mom.
...times when i've looked at the stack of parenting books i would like to read and wondered how i'm going to possibly read them because i am so busy parenting that i can't even find time to read books about how to do a better job!
...moments when i have wanted to scream because i just want to meet one of my needs (like going to the bathroom!) before meeting another need of one of my children.
...there has been lots of me saying i am sorry. and even being prompted..."mommy, are you going to say sorry to me because you yelled at me?"
i have learned that parenting is a very humbling adventure. the pre-parent me had lots of ideas about what kind of parent i would or would not be, how my kids would behave, how i would discipline them, and how they would respond to my methods. i would see parents at the grocery store with kids who were misbehaving and know that my kids would not behave that way in public.
i also knew that my kids wouldn't watch tv, would never eat happy meals, would eat whatever was served for dinner rather than having a special meal just for them, and wouldn't care about disney princesses.
well...clearly our kids don't always behave so well at the grocery store. we don't have a tv, but our kids watch a select few shows on netflix (thomas the tank engine, curious george, veggie tales, shawn the sheep, and love sometimes watches one of the disney fairy movies, in case you were wondering). they also eat the occasional happy meal...there is a reason why people stop at fast food restaurants with playgrounds on road trips, especially in the winter! sometimes i do cook a special meal just for them because i know they won't like what we are eating, and love has disney princess underwear because those were the underwear she chose as motivation for potty training.
it is easy to judge and criticize other parents, but the reality is that we are all at our own spot in this adventure, and our kids are all different. that mom in the grocery store with the kid throwing the tantrum? maybe things had been going well and she has suddenly hit a rough patch with her child. maybe she has a huge stack of parenting books from the library sitting on her nightstand that she is desperately trying to read to find help. and after she leaves the grocery store? she might just go to her car, strap her kid in the car seat, put all her groceries in the trunk, and then sit in the driver's seat and cry because she is so discouraged.
it is easy to feel discouraged as parents. especially when we are really trying our very best and nothing seems to be working. the last couple of months have been a huge learning curve for me. some of the things i am learning are new and some are things i started learning on day one as a parent (but am still working on almost three-and-a-half years later).
i am learning...
...that i need to always be seeking wisdom (from more than just one book...although i actually learned that long ago). i checked out a ton of parenting books from the library. they all have their own opinions, and often contradict each other (that is frustrating). i am learning to pull the bits and pieces that work for us and leave the rest. i have also sought wisdom from our parents and friends, as well as prayed for parenting wisdom a. lot.
...that what works for us doesn't necessarily work for other people, and what works for other people doesn't necessarily work for us. parents and kids are all different, so it makes sense that different combinations of each would need different techniques and approaches to be successful together.
...that my frustration with love is actually more because i don't know how to handle the situation than actually being frustrated with her behavior. as i have found practical tools that work, i feel less frustrated because i know how to respond to the behavior.
...how to stay calm. the books all tell me that i need to stay calm and not lose my cool. that is a tough one for me, but i see so clearly that those books are right. having the right tools to deal with the behavior makes a huge difference here as well.
...learning about myself helps me become a better parent. i recently read a book (
raising your spirited child by mary kurcinka) which confirmed that love is a spirited child and also that i am a spirited parent. this was helpful information as this explained a lot of the reasons why we seem to clash a lot and also brought my own temperament to my attention. (it was also interesting - and frightening - to see that love and i scored almost the same on the nine temperamental traits she uses to determine how spirited a person is. i guess she takes after her mom!).
...to take time out for myself. this has been a hard one to figure out in the midst of moving to a new place and also jeremy's busy schedule. currently this looks like jeremy getting up with the kids and bringing me coffee in bed (isn't he wonderful?) so i can have half an hour of devotions before starting the day. this has made a big difference in my life and attitude. i will also be taking a day-long retreat in a couple of weeks when jeremy is off of work.
...positive time together between parent and child is very, very important, as is one-on-one time.
...that parenting is the greatest exercise in teamwork that exists. there's nothing quite like raising little wild humans to force jeremy and i to work together.
mostly what i have learned is that parenting shifts and changes based on time and developmental stages. it is a constant learning exercise and a constant recognition of my humanity and dependence on God.
obviously, these thoughts are all just my reflections on where i'm currently at with this whole parenting adventure. but...i hope that this post encourages someone out there who is discouraged or struggling as a parent. you are not alone. (i will probably even have to go back to this post to encourage myself!)
if today was your day in the grocery store? well...we've all been there. just like us, you are doing your best.
if you think that someone else is doing a better job with their kids than you are doing with yours? you and your children are unique and you are the best parent for your kids.
if you lost it and yelled at your child today? apologize and move on. you are a human and sometimes that happens. children are quick to forgive, they know you love them, and they still love you.
above our kitchen sink, i put the following verse (we also sang the song of this verse every evening after supper when i was growing up):
"the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (lamentations 3:22 - 23)
when i am making breakfast in the morning, it reminds me that God's mercies are new for me that day. i am given a fresh start. it encourages me to make the day a good one.
when i am cleaning up after the kids are in bed, i reflect on the day. usually, there are moments that i was short with the kids, i lost my cool, or i am disappointed in myself as a parent. that verse reminds me that i am loved despite my failures, that there are endless mercies to my seemingly endless failures, and that tomorrow is a new day with a fresh start.
that fresh start is there for all of us. there is hope for all of us. God will provide us with wisdom, he is present and working in our lives, and he wants us to be successful as parents.
i am so thankful for these two precious little humans who God has entrusted into our care. they are teaching me so much, and even though it is challenging, i am so thankful that i get to be their mama.
{and a special note about love...she is an amazing little girl. yes, challenging to discipline. but that is because she is so bright, energetic, and smart. she is witty, creative, friendly, funny, and very sweet and affectionate. she is a special little girl who is going to become a wonderful adult. i wouldn't trade her for anyone else!}
